Sometimes, translating built up feelings onto pieces of leftover paper just isn't enough. There are times when no matter how much you want to, no matter how much you need to, it just doesn't happen. You'd think that words, being your usual go to, would help you get through it, that they would cure you, comfort you, caress you. That they would always be there no matter what. Well, you'd be wrong. Like everything else in this life, they leave, they change, they bottle up inside you in a form you have never quite exploited before. Or maybe you have and you just don't remember. You're so forgetful lately, forgetting what and who you are, where and how you've been, the little things that really matter.
What about them little things anyway? Why are they so little if they're really just big? You used to have it all figured out, back when figuring stuff out was the hardest task at hand. Not anymore. It's like playing rock-paper-scissors with yourself, and you're either always winning or always losing, because you know the outcome way before the hands are dealt. So maybe it's time to change the outcome. Maybe it's time for something more. But more of what? Of this? Of anything else that is not this? But this is good, so anything else is just going to either be worse or much much better.
Eventually, it's all about the chances you're willing to take, the fears you're willing to overcome. It's about succumbing to the smart little people in your high-on-something-that-is-not-weed brain telling you that it's okay, that change is good, that chickening out is not even remotely an option, that fear of the unknown is only natural, that no one ever really gets anywhere by building tree-like hedges around himself; the thorns may not be pretty but the flowers are. And they smell good too. But you won't be able to smell them from a million miles away. Try all you want, but you won't. Believe me, I tried. It just doesn't work like that.
You want something? You go get it. Don't pretend like it's going to fall from the sky one fine evening on your way back home from work. It might, but it's not going to. But it might. And if it does, what then? Do you catch it or do you just let it go? Well, if the past is anything to go by.. okay, okay.. let's not go there. Not today. Not right now. Then when?
If not now, then when?